Day 14 Hospice Care

I am tired.  There is just something unsettling to me having someone in your room, if Regina is having a rough night, or in the next room just an earshot away.  You start asking the question: Do I snore? (of course I do but how load is it) Do I talk in my sleep?  If so, what do I say?  I know they do background checks on these people but...(you'd be thinking the same thing)  All ,I can say is that my mind goes ninety miles an hour while trying to go to sleep (if that stuff would go directly to a hard-drive that I could recall I would be incredibly productive)  We now only have a nurse at night and this is good because the nights are difficult , its just like when your sick, you don't feel absolutely terrible but at night you feel like you were run over by a freight train. 

On a differant note, I have noticed there are a few people starting to follow this blog and yes you are welcome to do so.  I would however like for you to comment.  I read these to Regina at night sometimes just to see her reaction other times because it's easier to read your feelings once already written.  So please comment, it's good for me to know your out there caring and it's good for Regina to know that many care. 

Regina is doing about the same visually, though I am noticing that she is very unbalanced and somewhat forgetful.  Our prayers have not changed much, we still would love to have the mighty hand of God heal her body and rid it of cancer but just as Jesus stated in the garden we wants best for Regina.  So, ultimately  we want for God's will in this, therefore God will be glorified either way Regina will be healed either way and God promises as we rejoice in His afflictions we receive endurance, perseverance and hope.  Hope that one day according to God's promises we will be reunited in heaven.  God grant us grace for your grace is sufficient.

Amen and God Bless The Reader

Oh how He loves us

Looking back 29 years ago this week, after I stalked a girl in a friends yearbook (this is what the kids say anyway), I called my future wife to be for the first time to ask her out.

It all happened something like this.  Yes, I did see Regina's picture in his yearbook while at his house.  He was on the phone with his girlfriend and I was consuming a beverage.  I asked if he knew her, he said yes, I said get me her phone number, I want to ask her out.  It took it took my friend weeks of  asking and asking for her phone number before he finally produced it, maybe it was because I told him he would be sweeping nails and screws up for the next ten weeks if he didn't.  We were working at Sutherland's Lumber Company and I was being groomed to into management training and Jay would be too someday, maybe, if he could graduate.  I was still new to the area didn't know lots of people, because we had just moved to Texas only four months ago.  Most of the people I was meeting at the appetiser bar during "Happy Hour", usually not marriage material, 'mind you this was BC.  So, once I got the phone number, I now have to get the nerve up to call her, I pick up the phone several times and just can't dial.  But, finally God must have nudged my fingers to make that call.  I had arranged for Jay and his girlfriend to come on a double date with us on the 29th of October, but I couldn't wait that long I asked for to get something to eat after the Conroe vs. McCullough (The Woodlands High now).  She was in the band, first flute but she played the piccolo for marching band.  I had the advantage because she didn't know what I looked like, lucky for me.  I saw her, and will never forget how when she smiled her eyes would light up and you couldn't turn away they just drew you in, much like I imagine know that Jesus' eyes would draw people to Him.  Regina was saved, I could see in her eyes the love that only Jesus gives.  I was exposed and wanting, but unwilling to surrender.  I know 29 years ago as I just sat and starred at her as she talked she thought I was a freak.  That's right October 22, 1982, sitting in the JoJo's Restaurant on I-45 and FM1960, was our first date. 

Today, I see the plan that God put in place and I wonder why would He might let it end?  Why does He need her so bad and leave my heart breaking?  Why am I to be left to raise the kids without the very person that, because our love we were blessed with them?  And then I remember God's promises, though they sound unbelievable to some, they are a stumbling block for many, and they are counter cultural to the rest of the world.  "That He is God and I am not"  Yes, I would miss here if ..., but if God chooses to have her, than He can because she belongs to Him.  I am thankful for the woman she has become, a true reflection of Christ: Never has she met a stranger, never has she not had the time to listen to your pains, never has she been unwilling to help.  No, not perfect, by any means, she can  find just the  right buttons to push to get me in an uproar, but we will always make-up before we go to sleep.  Our relationship is different to most but it is her constant prod that has helped grow me into me. Christ has done and continues to do such great work in our lives.  I look forward to the minutes, days maybe even years that I have to serve Him with Regina by my side. 

Wrapping up for now just wanted you to know this journey started some 40+ years ago when God formed us in each of our mothers wombs, that he would orchestrate or meeting, our lives and yes even our departure.  Regina has been doing very well these past few days with lots of visitors.  She is still fighting to live as many days as she can and I pray that God gives here enough good ones to have meaningful conversations with her kids and yes even me.  I LOVE HER so much, and would trade and take this from her, but it is not my place, but I will serve her as Christ commands in his word whatever her need.

God Bless

Graduation Day coming soon

To live a life worthy of graduating is an honor one we should never take lightly, for it is only by God's sheer grace that we are allowed to do this.  For we are all on the path of condemnation, because we live in this fallen world, fallen from sin that was brought into it by man.  Fallen yes but the Good News is that God provided a way out through His Son, Jesus Christ, that if we we would confess with our mouth that He is Lord and believe in our heart that God raised Him from the dead we would be saved.  Is there anything holding you back from making Jesus the Lord of your life?  Then why don't you confess it to Him.  Enroll in "school", start going tho "class" then one day you can "graduate.

I use this term because today when I was discussing with the children about Regina this is the term Hannah used to explain death.  Today was a very difficult day in the Carlton household as it is the day that I chose to tell all of the Kid's about Mommy.  I asked them what was wrong with mommy?  What did she have?  Do people die from cancer?  Do they understand that God loves mommy very much?  What happens to people that...?  This is when Hannah in her nine year old wisdom says "they graduate".  So that's when I told them all Mommy's about to "Graduate".  This is when Katie started to loose it followed by each in age order.  "But I don't want to loose mommy."  "I won't have anyone to talk to after school."  "I'm scared."  All the emotions you would expect.  I assured them that they would see mommy again in heaven and that she will always hold a place in their hearts.  I told them all of this only a couple hours removed of being told by the Hospice nurse that your wife has begun the "staging process".  This is what they refer to as, yes that's right I thought we were looking until late December early January. 

They are saying 2-days to 2-weeks, I have no idea.  To look at her today you would never guess.  This was however, after I had asked her to let me know anything special she wanted each of the kids to have remember her by.  And to please prepare a few words for me to tell them before any milestone events ie: graduation or weddings.  These are things we forget to tell or children on a daily basis, I guess because we believe we'll always have time.  You don't... you are not promised your next breath, if your life is out of God's will see above or look at earlier posts.  Give your life to Christ make him Lord of your life.  Amen.

Going to bed Good Night and God Bless!

New Path

Sometimes in life you don't know the answer and sometimes you don't want to here the answer, but trust there is always an answer.  The same goes for prayer:,we pray to God often with our prayers and He answers.  Yes He answers not always the answer we want so we keep praying(thinking maybe I didn't ask right or I just need more faith in what I am praying for) for God to answer our prayers.  Prayer is for us to communicate with God our Creator, it not like Santa Claus, its not to be about our wish list but His (the Creator's) wish list.  The fact that he wants us to live every moment choosing God, rather than not God.  It's a time, no doubt, that we bring our petitions to the Lord, but not seeking our will to be done but His will to be done.  Prayer is an opportunity for us to grow into what God desires for us.  We pray for Regina's complete healing even still. 

This leads me to tell everyone who reads this that the Doctors at MD Anderson have told us that there is nothing else left for them to do, they cannot treat the tumor aggressively with a trach in place, meaning no more Chemo, no more Radiation and no more Surgery.  With this now the situation we have decided that it is best for Regina to come home, to help us through we have called in Hospice Care to help. Understand that Hospice is here now to help care for Regina's comfort not hurry in natural process along.  Also, understand that we still believe that God can choose to heal Regina.  But whether God chooses to heal her here or in heaven she will be healed and our prayers have been answered.  We have always asked for God's will to be done, and it has not always the way we pictured but still it's His will.  I'll write more when I can.  Have to go for now.

God Bless 

Sunday

Worshipped today at NEHBC with my church family, I really love them and miss them when I am away.  Thank you for all that you do and the encouragement that we receive from each of you.  Regina is resting well if all keeps progressing she may escape on Tuesday, a day early.  The swelling has gone down after steroid and antibiotic's, but no explanation as to where the infection is for sure or what type it was or even the cause.  May never know for sure, Regina doesn't care she just wants to get well enough the get out of here.  Had visitors today seemed to really brighten her day, thanks for coming I know it isn't easy or convenient to come downtown, so thank you.  Tired and am going to get some rest.  TTYL and God Bless.

Surgery

The surgery will be done around 5pm.

We are staying

We are going to have the Trach put in to allow Regina to be able to breath easier.  She will be here for a week until they can place the more permanent type.  This will require some home care which I think they are arranging.  TTYL and God Bless