Made it to Today

I can't believe we made it through the year, it was difficult and sometimes a bumpie road. The birthdays seem to be okay even the anniversaries weren't too bad, the two toughest days for me were Katie's graduation and the second Christmas. The first Christmas was a whirlwind because there were so many that showered us with love, and the kids with gifts from those that showered, it made it somehow fly through. Next thing you know it we have started school again and trying to get some sort of normalcy. It was Katie's senior year, Madison's freshman year and Hannah & Harrison were in the third grade and I of course had to go back to work. I of course made myself busy with stuff in order to take my mind off what it had to deal with, grieving for a spouse taken way too early in life. We made it through but not without some rough days. The anniversary dates seem to come and go with very little issue; Valentine's(always a holiday I thaught worthless b/c if you have not shown her how much you care for her the rest of the year what is one day going to do--THANK YOU HALLMARK.) Birthdays seem to be traditional and even uneventful. Even June 18th looking back, yes difficult was not a cryfest. But when it came to Katie graduating I realized I was out of my league on planning such an event with all the raw emotion attached to this very special day in the teens life. I was ill prepared to sit in the audience and hold back the tears b/c all I wanted to do was share this moment with Regina. Yes this may have been the first time I asked why? A question I will never understand the answer, even if given, this side of heaven. Though important Katies day was in no way comparable to the past several weeks. It all started with Thanksgiving, the first w/o Regina here on earth and fortunately some very good friends took away the burden of planning what we were going to do as they said "your coming to our house for Thanksgiving" and that was that. I have been experiancing the loneliness of the loss of Regina but not in such an accute way as Thanksgiving, December 9th and Christmas. Christmas was better but if not for Katie stepping in to help I would have never decorated a tree or even bought one present. Once again a holiday for us to spend money and do things on one day of the year we are to set aside our differances and love one another, HELLO if you celebrate this day for the day it is, "Jesus' Birthday" you should do this year around. Sorry for the unsolicited sidebar. I stated it was better because I because I could talk and memorialize Regina without the intense pain of missing her. The fact is I have worked through the seven steps of grief, I am currently rebuilding my life w/o her in it. She will always be a huge part of my life b/c the time with her, 30 years here, was the majority of my life. The process is not over I still think about her and miss her dearly, but I know she is better off where she is, in fact at times I am even invious she got to go first. I really need to wrap this up it is already too long for me to read so I would hate to make anyone endure more than they need. I do however want to thank God for His grace and blessing, and you for supporting and encouraging me and my family the way that you have.

some of my heros

This month is the month I have been on edge about for weeks. It has now been six months, on June 9th, since Regina left us to spend the rest of eternity with Christ, and I know that even if she could she would not return and I don't blame her. This month, on the 18th, would also have been our 24th wedding anniversary. On top of all of that on the 21st the twins have been with us for a decade, what a blessing all this has been. Our oldest Katie just reached a huge milestone after graduating High School and plans to stay home and attend the local College taking her basic courses with hopes of being an Occupational Therapist one day. I say what a blessing it has all been and yes I really do mean it, we have been blessed by friends and family that let the memory of Regina live on. We have been blessed by a church that ministers to our emotional needs. And most importantly we have been given enough grace and strength from the mighty God we serve to endure and persevere. Yes, there are struggles and we are not over the loss by all means, but we go on looking for opportunities to serve and be used of God. There are days that I don't have the emotional energy to get out of bed, but for God's grace. There are days that I could send all of my kids off to military school because I just can't take it any more, but for God's grace. There are days that I don't want to go to work, but for God's grace. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and yes I still get sad when I pass through the house and see the wall of crosses that Regina had collected over the years, the pictures of her in the house and even writing these words are painful but necessary. So, as you can see I am not saying blessing is without heartache, I am saying that through the heartache I have received blessing beyond measure. Thank you all for your support and thank you Jesus for enduring all the pain and suffering perfectly allowing me to see that through it all I can worship you. For those of you that read my blog it is not to late for you to receive this same grace that was poured out to me because it was poured out to all that "Call on his name to be saved." It is difficult to believe that Christ can do this for us before we place our faith and trust in Him, but when you do I can promise that He is faithful and true. He can calm your every fear. Take away your every hurt. He can and will forgive all the things that you have ever done wrong. Don't let Satan steal your joy for he is evil and "ready to devour" you, "he has come "to steal and kill and destroy." But Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly." Jesus laid down His life so that we also can overcome the sin and death to live in eternity with Him. I can think of no greater love than that and you can have this same security to live forever with Jesus by admiting you are sinner and believing that Jesus is and did what the Bible said He did and finally confessing that because you are a sinner you want to accept this free gift, that cost you nothing-Him everything, and want to submit and serve Him for the rest of your life. If you do this in your heart the Bible says you are saved and the next time the Devil reminds you of your past be sure are remind him of his future. I love each and every one of you that take the time to read the words that I have written but that love pales in comparison to the love that God has for you. You are, we are HIS creation. Finally, keep the Carlton's in you prayers as we endure this month. Also, lift up my cousin Lori and the many others that are in a battle with this evil we call cancer. And pray that I can find a way and the finances that I could get to Indiana soon to witness my faith in Jesus' healing power to her and her family as they struggle to accept WHY? Love in Christ Kevin

Another new thing I didn't think about

Today, April 2, 48 years ago about right now my mother was both exhausted and extremely happy at the birth of her first child. I look back on the times I never told her that I loved her how much she taught me, developed me, and yes even making me into the man I am today. Had it not been for my mother I would not have even seen the inside of a church, exposing me to religion not relationship...yet, giving me something to at least look back to when coming face-to-face with the reality of Jesus Christ. My father impacted my life as well on how to work hard, to use my hands and my mind at the same time and to have the confidence to do what I set my mind to doing. Another influential person in my life, that I am thankful God put there is Mike Thompson, Mike challenged me not to just look and say I was a Christian but to know why and to be able to give people an answer to why you believe in Christ. He caused me to study the Bible to answer the many questions he would ask me, always seeming to put me on the spot, and the way he looked at you always made you think, "Did I answer that correctly?" Today, I am still learning and many in my life continue to challenge me to know God more intimately. I just pray that I am returning the favor for all those that invested in me. Thank you to all those that invest in the lives of others.

I already mentioned that today is my birthday and it is one of those days that I usually shared with Regina. We would go to dinner maybe a movie or just coffee, it didn't matter what we did we just did it together. The reminder that she is not here causes loneliness that I can't put into words, words don't even explain what I am feeling. This would have been the 30th birthday shared together, but I am learning to be content with the 29 we had together. I don't want to rush this process or God, but I don't like being alone. It's not how I was designed by God, any of us for that matter. I find my strength in Christ of course, but there is nothing like hearing an audible voice that affirms you. Telling you, you are doing a great job her or there. Reminding you, though you are beautifully and wonderfully made that God's not done with you yet. Someone that thanks you for going to work and taking care of the family. These are things I unfortunatly often took for granted not realizing that one day I would do it on my own, without my companion. Yes, I wake up in the morning trying to find strength in Christ alone, but it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to bare. I will make it through this day, this week, this year and even this life with or without another helpmate, only because of Christ. How could you without Him I could not imagine!!!

How do I wrap this up on a positive? Like this; Pray that God continue to heal my heart, Pray that God will bring it to your mind when you feel others need an encouraging word (THANKS TAMMY IT WAS TIMELY), Pray that God prepares me for whatever the future is. Don't forget to thank those in your life that have had an impact. And finally, just remember you can't catch widow/widower status, it just happens. Love to all.

Blessings
Kevin

Why are we here and would it matter if we weren't???

No this is not "Its a Wonderful Life" but have you ever sat down alone and quite with God and asked why am I here? What is it that you want me to be doing? Am I doing what I should be doing? Questions that I have asked but usually never wanted the real answer. It is easy to lie to ourselves and most people putting up a huge front so no one really sees the real you, but not for God because He sees it all, and if you are quite, still and listen --- truly listen you will hear the Holy Spirits conviction about what to do and what to change. This is the last day of Spring Break 2012 and these are some of the questions I am working through with my two oldest, some with H&H but not as deep.

Katie, "Dad I really miss Mom why did God need her more than He thinks I need her?" Me, "God doesn't need her more than you, you do need her more, but your Mother is not here because Satan deceived both Adam and Eve and every since we have lived in a fallen world one that Satan comes only to steal and kill and destroy (John 10:10a) (this is why I have the service for Regina DVD'd so I can recall the things the Pastor said) So you see God knew when your Mom was coming home to be with Him but I don't believe He caused it and don't forget that even though it was bad for us at the time Romans tells us that, in all things God works for the good of those who love Him...(Romans 8:28). The one thing I have discovered in this life is that I am not afraid to say I don't have a clue but if I go to God's word I can usually find the answer. I miss your mother too, especially in times like this when I feel inadequate to answer the questions given to me, your mother would encourage you by just sitting there." Now we know I'd be just picking out the Pollyanna side if I didn't tell you that she wouldn't just sit there she gave her opinion and usually it just encouraged the answer given, but she was not without an opinion. So confirmation it does matter that I am here.

Why am I here first and foremost because I am a Christ-Follower it is to love Him and spread the "Good News" about Him. Then I am to "train up my child in His ways, so that one day you will not depart far from it." Now I pray you (children) never stray and if you do, that Holy Spirit voice tells you to get back on track. I am doing an okay job at this ,but because it is a new "Season of Life" for me one that is important with much at stake I have decided to focus more energy on making sure that My children are on the right course and that as they mature to adulthood that people will say that is a Godly Man or Woman and That Christ shine through them more than my bad habits. So to answer the second question, "Would it matter if I weren't?" the answer is yes it always matters to God that you are her, but even if you are not God can still bring good out of it.

Finally, don't for get the "b" to John 10:10,I (Jesus) have come that the may have life, and have it to the full. Jesus died to end death, to end the grip that sin has over us and to show us the hope we have in Him. It matters that you are here and it matters more that you are serving Jesus. If you are still wondering why your here and you have never given your life to Christ then that is the very reason you are here now. God's providence has brought you here to in order that you can see that Jesus is who He claimed to be "Savior" because we need to be saved from our sin, yes "we all fall short of the Glory of God," Romans 3:23 and Because we are sinful payday is coming but Christ paid the price for our sins (Romans 6:23) and (Romans 5:8). And if we will confess Him as Lord we will also be saved. (Romans 10:9) It really is as easy as admit, believe and confess but it must be from the heart. Call someone to explain this better.

God Bless
Kevin

Sprin Break 2012

Many firsts on this vacation; from having someone else not family with us, traveling without my navigator, being in charge of planning everything. None of these things did I prepare for. First of all I have never planned a vacation, Regina would heavelie suggest that "I" needed a vacation and so we decided where and she did pretty much the rest. A vacation in my mind involves golf, fishing, sleeping in the afternoon and at least one juicy steak (as stated in my mind). This time it was okay guys what do you want to do? Followed by many suggestions that added up to some serious cash, so we took everyones suggestions tried to do one. We have fished not caught, we have shopped, we have done lazer tag and go-carts, saw SIX in concert, visited the talking roock caverns and today are going back to Silver Dollar City before returning home. A few naps have been caught have see a bobcat no deer, some really crazy signs from speed limit 12 1/2 MPH to Slow Children, second one's funniest to us probably, but I'm sure you get it.

This trip has been different and difficult at times without Regina, but one we had to do I think. It was hard to hear the story of SIX, a group of brothers that sing without any instruments except their own voices (includes drums, guitar licks, sweet bass, brass and much more). You see they are a family of 10 boys to a mother that was told she would never have children and yes just a few years ago they lost thier mother to cancer. Lynn, one of the boys wrote a song for her and not one person in my group was dry eyed. The reason we came to Branson was because of Regina, so I was suprized when the kids wanted to do this trip. It has been very rewarding, and yes I look forward to others.

We will talk again soon.

Kevin

Glad I went glad to be home

This past weekend was the first "Mission Trip" that I have taken since joining NEHBC and let me just say, I am so glad I went. I was joined by some of the most fearless soul-winners (18) and was just in awe of what God is able to accomplish with willing hearts. Below I written a summary account of how it changed me, to here from others I challenge you to join us on Wednesday February 29th at 7:00pm to here personal accounts from team members.

We left Houston Saturday morning at 6:00am, okay more like 6:30, in two passenger vans and luggage in tow headed to New Orleans, LA to share the good news of Jesus Christ. We arrived around 3:00pm after driving through huge and oftentimes blinding downpours. I was sitting in the back seat of one of the vans, a seat I was not used to sitting in because I normally drive, so I had plenty of time to think and pray. I started to feel a rather ill feeling sometime after Lake Charles either because of spiritual attacks or the van swaying back and forth from the 60mph wind gusts first from the north then from the south. For now I just prayed for the ill feeling to go away and it did for the most part. We stayed at the guest houses on the NOBTS and accommodations were dorm room/ hotel in nature, no complaints. Soon after arriving our leader Pastor Greg wanted to get right to the streets; so after a short training, prayer and a quick tour around the area it was to the streets armed with tracts, Bibles and rain attire we hit the streets in groups of three.

My team consisted of Veronica (Veteran Mardi Gras--er), Alex and myself big old guy to protect the lady's. I stuck to the rear as we walked toward Bourbon St., handing out tracts to any that would take them. My first encounter was with a Muslim shopkeeper, as I needed to get a ball cap to keep my rain hood from blocking my sight. Gave him a tract with the money and he gave me my change along with the tract. First rejection out of the way, I'm alive nothing happened, now time to get a taker. We approached a cigar shop, have to say I love the smell of a good cigar, so I asked this young man that had just come out what he was smoking and how was it. After using the CAST technique. I found C-ommon ground; in that he was in NO for a drill competition at Tulane with the Corp of Cadets, personally I'm not an Aggie but Regina's twin brother is '87 so that allowed me to break the ice a little. When I moved into Spiritual matters he said he was an Atheist. I continued to ask him questions about his faith to see if we could find any common ground. When asked about morallity he said, "there was none." So I asked him if I punch one of my girls in the mouth what would he do? "Stop you," he said. Why if my reality says it's okay ot do it who are you to stop me. We finally agreed he was not an Ateist but an Agnostic because he didn't care one way or the other. His friends prompted him that it was time to go of the five the "born again" guy and the "Pordestant" did not take the tracts but the others did. Finally, to Bourbon St. and the rain stopped people began to fill the streets it was soon a very crowded and oppressed place to be, and I was feeling it. At this point it was all I could do to pick my feet up to walk, a feeling that I have never experienced in my life, knowing this exactly what Satan would want I sent out a prayer request to about the ten people that said they would pray for me and my family while I was there. Simply said "PRAY NOW" and they did because we took a quick break to eat and went back to the streets. All and all-many tracts passed out and the gospel was shared 3-times. Back to the room after feeling like I did 12 rounds with Satan and slept like a rock.

After taking a ribbing from my roomate for snoring, a problem I shared before going to bed, it was time to debrief share with the 9:00 service and back to the streets. Day two accomplished about the same type of encounters for our group, with many chances to talk to people about why we were there. On day three we concentrated our efforts to the Riverwalk and I had one very good full gospel presentation with a young college student from WFU in Tallehasse, although Ryan did not make a decission he was listening very closely.

I can say that this was the hardest and most fullfilling time we can have as Christians on mission. The attacks are great, the oppression is felt and the Holy Spirit was engaging. Given the opportunity I will do this again. I will also be going with Hellfighters as a supporter until further notice. I teach my class to be on mission where ever they go, as we are cammanded. This has brought a new passion for the lost.

God Bless